So it's been a month since I was accepted to Drew/UCLA. About 40K people apply to medical school each year. 16K are accepted. I was one of them. So why am I so anxious and miserable? I'm having nightmares about bloodied bodies being opened up in the OR, waiting for me to come fix them. I've chewed my fingernails to the point that I'll need reconstructive surgery on both my teeth and my hands. When co-workers say, "you must be so excited," I smile a huge smile and then run away.
I'm not up to this.
I'm scared. I'm scared of sitting through my first biochemistry lecture and being in way over my head. I'm scared of holding a scalpel that first day to my embalmed cadaver. I'm scared of the quiet hum of the freeway when everyone leaves me alone for the first time in my stucco apartment in Los Angeles. I'm scared of searching for a coffee shop to study in. I'm scared to look for a bar that's not a meat market. I'm scared of standing in Trader Joe's with a cart full of frozen dinners realizing that I'm totally on my own.
This is where faith would come in handy. I'm reading a book by an Episcopal theologian, John Shelby Spong, called The Sins of Scripture. It talks about some of the more oppressive texts of the Bible and how they can be interpreted in historical context to not be so destructive. It's refreshing to read about a faith that I'd almost given up on, and see my own beliefs reflected. I think I'll be checking out a church in Pasedena, St. Edmunds, where my good friend is a priest.
And yoga will also help. Sigh. I have not been in so long. I need to find a yoga studio down there that meets my needs, both spiritually and physically.
I'm starting to read the I Ching: The Book of Change:
"Instead of emphasizing the eternal, the unchanging, the immutable ...the I CHING is the only book of ancient wisdom that makes change itself the center of observation and recognizes time as an essential factor in the world and in the development of the individual."
Knowledge is the best defense against fear. I am also reading First Cut: A Season in the Human Anatomy Lab: an excellent bookk about the anatomy lab, and about our relationship with our body and with our inevitable death.
Okay. Another day? Let's do it.
1 comment:
I know it's easy to be intimidated and overwhelmed, but just remember that you were accepted. You must have the abilities to do well in med school or they wouldn't have accepted you. ;)
Congrats, by the way!
I had the same feelings when I started my summer MED program at UNC-Chapel Hill four weeks ago. I was so excited to get here, but once I was here all I wanted to do was turn tail and run back home. We have taken an immunology course, a physiology course, and a microbiology course so far, and after finals tomorrow and Friday we're starting gross anatomy and histology. We've had biochem all summer long.
It's intense. It's more work than I thought was possible. I've been overwhelmed by what I have to study and know. But it's rewarding.
Then again, I'll let you know how I feel about it after that first day of Gross Anatomy (coming up on Monday!)
Just remember that it's normal to be scared. If you weren't scared you wouldn't be a passionate and empathetic person. It's healthy. Lots of luck!
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